Category Archives: News

Ranked! Local 1668 vs. Some Goats

Local 1668 of Kalamazoo has filed a grievance against Western Michigan University, apparently for providing fulfilling employment to goats. In the spirit of solidarity with our behooved brethren, we are not gonna take it, Local 1668!

WMU Horticulturist Nicholas Gooch has contracted 20 goats with Munchers on Hooves, LLC to clear 15 acres of woodland over the summer. They are cleaner and consume less fossil fuel than lawnmowers and wood chippers, and even leave behind natural fertilizer. Sounds good, right? Not to Kathi Babbit, author of the grievance, who apparently thinks union workers should be eating the poison ivy instead of the goats.

Granted, the idea of using goats for lawn care is pretty novel, which is why it’s drawn so much local media attention. And judging from their website, the union doesn’t care much for them new-fangled ideas.

The first paragraph at says “This is our Web-site…to the left you will find links that will help you navigate through…” The buttons make beeps and boops like an Atari game when clicked. It has a landing page with an option for dial-up users. It’s a Flash template time capsule from the Fresh Prince era.

We weren’t able to get a copy of the grievance, but if this excerpt from a recent local 1668 newsletter, also written by Babbit, is any indication, it must have been hilarious reading:

We all need to come together as we head into these upcoming negotiations. All the back stabbing, gossiping [sic] mongering, and hurtful mean spirited comments I have been hearing are not helping our Bargaining unit succeed. We need to be united! How united are we, if we are gossiping and back stabbing one another. [sic] WE are supposed to standing [sic] together as Sisters and Brothers. Let’s start be [sic] a little more respectful of each other’s personal situations. If it’s not about you, then you should not be talking about it! I challenge anyone of you who hears someone else doing these terrible things, to call them on it! We are grown @$$ adults, yet we act like middle school children! Please just stop! I’m not innocent either I’m sure of that. I know I can and will do better! I will not let stupid crap get in the way of doing my job and representing the greater good. Will you? Have a great Spring Break! I’m ready for some flowers!

Clearly the Sisters and Brothers need to man up and pick on somebody their own size. We’ve put together a collection of other historical feats of man on mammal action, in descending order of danger:

Carl Akeley vs. “Contessa” the Leopard

Ethiopia, 1896.
Badass level: Charles Bronson

Akeley, famed naturalist and taxidermist and major contributor to museums in Chicago and New York, had plenty of encounters with crazy dangerous wildlife. A bull elephant charged at him on Mount Kenya, nearly crushing him; he was caught unarmed and run down and nearly trampled by three rhinos; and was hit and nearly knocked off a cliff by the tumbling body of a 500 lb. silverback gorilla he’d just shot.

The fight: just before dusk while hunting in the brush, Akeley mistakenly fired on and royally pissed off an 80-lb leopard. She pursued Akely and pounced on him, knocking the gun from his hands. According to Akeley, “Her intention was to sink her teeth into my throat and with this grip and her forepaws hang to me while with her hind claws she dug out my stomach, for this pleasant practice is the way of leopards.” Akely caught the leopard’s teeth on his forearm, twisting her rear claws away from his belly, but the fight was just beginning:

““When I got grip enough on her throat to loosen her hold just a little she would catch my arm again an inch or two lower down. In this way I drew the full length of the arm through her mouth inch by inch,” tearing it to ribbons.

The result: Nearly succumbing to exhaustion but avoiding the animal’s claws, Akeley was able to pin and strangle the animal, essentially killing it with his bare hands. You can read the full story here:

Tom Wanyandie vs. “Ursula” the Mama Grizzly Bear

Alberta, Canada, 2009.
Badass level: Paul Bunyan

When Tom Wanyandie and his son, James, were in the backcountry looking for shed antlers, they chanced upon a Grizzly cub. Shortly thereafter, the mother Grizzly appeared and charged James, who fired with his .270 caliber rifle.

“I don’t know if I missed or hit it. But it just kept on coming…swung me around and wrestled me,” breaking James’ arm. James, who has a heart condition and wears a pacemaker, was in serious trouble.

That was when his 77 year old father intervened. And by intervened, I mean beat the living shit out of the bear.

Tom, a Cree Indian who spent his entire life venturing through the woods as a hunter, trapper, and wilderness guide, wasn’t about to let his son be tossed around like that.

Charging toward the bear, swearing in his native tongue at the top of his lungs, he took the tree branch he’d been using as a walking stick and beat the bear on the face and neck, then rammed the stick down the bear’s throat, then continuing to punch it in the face.

The result: In the course of the fight the bear broke Tom’s hand, but the bear eventually gave up and retreated, allowing the men to escape. Read the full story here:

Greig Tonkins vs. “Rory” the Alpha Male Red Kangaroo

Badass level: Mike Tyson (post-Douglas)

They may look a little funny, but kangaroos are no joke. The males can stand over 6 feet tall; they compete with other males for mates by trying to scratch eyes out with their front claws or disembowel with their back claws.

During a boar hunting trip with friends, Greg Tonkins attempted to rescue a dog who ran into a kangaroo while chasing a scent. Tonkins quickly ran to the dog’s aid and intervened, first distracting the kangaroo and causing it to release the dog from a headlock.

Tonkins, who is a zookeeper, then squared up with the animal and delivered a punch on the muzzle of the kangaroo. You can see in the clip below how the kangaroo, stunned, looks quizzically at Greg for a few seconds, then turns tail and ran off.

“It was funny because the guy who [punched the kangaroo] is the most placid bloke. We laughed at him for chucking such a shit punch,” friend Matthew Amor said.

Barwick, who died of Ewing Sarcoma mere days before the video became a viral hit, would have been happy to see all of the attention the clip has gotten. “Kailem would be looking down from [heaven] and laughing because it was the highlight of the trip,” Amor said.

Local 1668 vs. “Bruiser” the Goat

Badass level: Teddy Ruxpin

Far down the man vs. beast totem pole, we’ll place this “fight”. Just look at the monsters those poor union guys and gals are up against:

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Terrifying, right? It’s enough to make me tremble (with laughter) just to look at them. In the annals of wild fights, this one would be a total snooze. Local 1668, leave them poor goats alone!

Crim Wut? Beer and Pizza!

FOUND! on the honest-to-goodness official Crim Festival of Races website, under “Volunteer”:

What You’ll Do:
• Sell beer and pizza tickets in the festival lot
• Distribute beer and pizza
• Check IDs to ensure legal drinking age

Why it’s Important:
• Everyone loves to get their beer and pizza after the race
• This position helps keep people in an orderly fashion
• People don’t want to wait in a huge line for their pizza and beer; efficiency is key

Why You’ll Love it:
• You are right in the center of the action in the festival lot
• You will get to work with your friends if you’d like, or make new friends
• You’ll get to see all of the different people who participate in the race

My only question is: do the “volunteers” get free pizza and beer or not? When we find out, we’ll put it on the front page…

“The Lowest Form of Life” – The Annotated Trump, Vol. 1

In which we test time-honored wisdom against a selection Donald J. Trump’s public statements.

August 12th, 2016

According to the New York Times, at his rally on August 12th, Donald Trump said, “These people are the lowest form of life1, 2, I’m telling you,” pointing at the journalists3 covering his rally. “They are the lowest form of humanity.

…and, Scene. Let’s have a look at this week’s lineup: An American badass named George S. Patton and Bacteriologists at Stanford seem to disagree with this assessment of the “lowest form of life”.

Meanwhile, lo and behold, journalism itself seems to be in keeping with the spirit of the Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen and the U.S. Constitution.

1. “Politicians are the lowest form of life.” Attributed to U.S. General George S. Patton.

2. “Mycoplasma genitalium has one of the smallest genomes of any free-living organism in the world, clocking in at a mere 525 genes. That’s a fraction of the size of even another bacterium like E. coli, which has 4,288 genes. M. genitalium‘s diminutive genome made it the first target for Stanford and J. Craig Venter Institute researchers who wanted to simulate an organism in software.”

3. Journalism, and therefore the press, are bedrock institutions of a democratic society. “The term ‘fourth estate’ has become shorthand to denote the role of the public media as a pillar on which the smooth functioning of a democratic society rests, together with the other three estates – legislative, executive, and judiciary. A free press is also a counterbalance to these powers, a watchdog guarding the public interest, and providing a forum for public debate – a public sphere – that underpins the processes of democracy…

The origin of the term ‘fourth estate’ is attributed to the eighteenth-century English political philosopher and commentator on the Revolution, Edmund Burke, referring to the three sections of the French Estates-General, an assembly consisting of representatives from the clergy, the nobility, and the commoners (in practice, the bourgeoisie), whose gathering in 1789 is said to have paved the way for the French Revolution.

The ideas of freedom and democracy enshrined in the Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen, passed by the French National Assembly after the 1789 Revolution, also inspired the First Amendment of the United States Constitution.”